How to Stop Being in Love With Someone: 4 Scientific Tips

If you can’t get your mind off someone, here are some life-saving tips.

Love has always been defined as a feeling impossible to control. It arrives like a meteorological phenomenon, affects us in a way that depends on our personality and our different love experiences and, sometimes, goes away.

However, sometimes being in love is clearly counterproductive. We know that while feeling that kind of affection for someone isn’t good for us, to stop doing it is an option beyond our capabilities. But keep hoping, because there are certain behaviors and tricks that will allow you to stop falling in love with this person more quickly.

When to stop being in love is the best option

It may sound crude, but stopping feeling love for someone can even be healthy. This is clearly the case when there is a toxic couple relationship where abuse and physical and verbal violence are commonplace, but also when the love felt is not reciprocated.

But the course of our thoughts does not always go in the direction we want, nor towards what brings us the most well-being. Because the memories, ideas and images that pass through our heads tend to escape our control.

We can more or less decide on which details or aspects to focus our attention, but the subjects that occupy our thoughts we generally do not decide for ourselves. Or, more accurately, we can choose to call up certain memories and analyze them, but we don’t have the full power to make them go away, nor can we prevent them from happening once in a while. surprise us: this is part of the normal functioning of our brain.

However, just because this is normal doesn’t mean that, in some circumstances, these thoughts don’t become a real nightmare: especially if these memories are about past relationships, disappointments in love, or broken hearts.

So how then can we act on this level? Wanting to stop being in love is easier said than done, but that does not mean that it is impossible to weaken these types of feelings in order to recover a little well-being and personal autonomy. Here are some keys to get there:

1. Regulate physical and eye contact

Looking into each other’s eyes and touching each other are two special situations: both cause a strong increase in the production of oxytocin in our blood. Oxytocin is a hormone linked to affection and the establishment of a bond of trust. A higher quantity of oxytocin in our blood and in the spaces through which the neurons of our brain communicate causes the appearance of the emotions and behaviors related to love. This is something that can even happen when we look certain pets in the eye.

This is why one of the first steps in detaching yourself from someone with whom you have a harmful relationship is to make physical and visual contact poorer and rarer, even if what you have envy is the exact opposite.

2. Learn to live apart

Another important aspect to consider in order to stop being in love is, in the beginning, to make things easier for us by avoiding seeing the person in question, at least for several days or weeks. If love consists, among other things, in thinking about this person for a large part of the day, to reverse this dynamic, it would be beneficial not to expose ourselves to situations that will put us in his presence.

In many ways, love works like a drug, because seeing the person we love, like consuming an addictive substance, activates our brain’s reward circuitry, which is essentially based on the secretions of a neurotransmitter called dopamine.

This is why gradually reducing the number of times this circuit will activate is necessary so that our brain can get used to our new lifestyle. But it is something difficult to do, which requires great effort on your part. This is why, before undertaking this task, we advise you to imagine first of all the possible good excuses that you risk inventing for going to see this person: this will allow you to recognize them when they come to you. you.

3. Get back to routines that will make you independent

To rebuild your life away from the person you used to think about, it is necessary not only to stop thinking about them, but also to find activities that will distract you from these thoughts. If you continue to do everything you did when you were in love, your brain will realize that the only missing piece of the puzzle is the presence of the person you lost and this incongruity will be a source of lack. On the other hand, if you add new elements of change, this transition phase will be easier.

In addition, inventing new ways of living day to day will allow you to dedicate yourself to activities less related to love life, which is why the possibilities of thinking about the person from whom you must detach yourself will decrease, since the references to this these will decrease.

Ultimately, as some driving psychologists like BF Skinner proposed, if we want our life to change, we must take into account the following factor: what is most important is that our surroundings and our usual activities change: we must not try to change ourselves without moving a single muscle to do so.

4. Work on your self-esteem

Sometimes the failure of a relationship project with someone is a blow to our self-esteem. This is the reason why it is necessary to add, to the models of behavior quoted previously, a constant evaluation of our personal image and our self-esteem. If you don’t, you will quickly tend to be desperate to get back with the lost person, because you will not feel very valued as a person and in order to be able to better accept yourself.

This is why you must try to make the most cold and distanced analysis possible of who you are, what you do and what defines you, taking into account what you have been through. In other words, it is not a question of trying to consider yourself as an entity independent of those around you: what is important is that you realize how you behave with the means you you have and according to your goals and interests.

man after a breakup

Manage attention

By reading these essential points to stop being in love, you have probably realized that almost all of them have one thing in common: attention. Being able to manage your interests will allow you to focus on things that are really necessary or useful and will help you to move away from rumination, that vicious cycle where almost everything you do or perceive reminds you of what that makes you feel bad: as you feel sad, you think about the cause of this feeling and as you think about the cause of your sadness, you feel sad.

The key is therefore to intervene in both your thoughts and your actions, to break this seemingly endless loop of comparisons and sadness. Starting to impose some discipline on yourself in what you do, even if your body is telling you to do something else, is fundamental to stopping being emotionally dependent on the person you were once in love with. And, obviously, if you think the problem is so intense that it’s totally interfering with your quality of life, you should consider going for psychotherapy sessions. In any case, the engine of change must always come from yourself.