It’s not always visible, but we are rational beings. And if, sometimes, we would not say it, it is because, when anger invades us, our spirit is troubled.
It’s not always visible, but we are rational beings. And if, sometimes, we would not say it, it is because, when anger invades us, our mind is clouded and what comes out of our mouth is probably not the best way to arrange things.
It’s not that we don’t know how to treat our partner, but, in these critical moments, we lose what should be most important: common sense, common sense.
You know what that cool new saying goes: “Never argue with a jerk, because first he’ll bring you down to his level and then he’ll hit you with all the weight of his experience.”
Something similar can apply to the world of relationships, where you have to avoid getting caught up in the spiral the other person seems to have fallen into.
And, if such a thing is not possible, you should at least try to keep the following tips in mind the next time things are about to slip out of your hands.
Remember Ockham’s Razor
The English Franciscan brother William of Ockham discovered what would later be seen as the principle of parsimony: given equal conditions, the simplest theory is more likely to be correct than the most complicated.
We have to try to apply it when we start telling ourselves tall tales and attributing unlikely causes to our partner’s behavior.
The simplest explanation is probably the best and if he/she forgot to call you, it’s because he/she really forgot and not because of a date with his/her lover. outside of the city.
Why are you angry?
Try to answer this question and forget the first answer: often what makes you so angry is not the subject of the current discussion but another deeper reason or perhaps a very concrete problem that has not yet been resolved.
Sometimes, your partner is not even responsible for your anger: it has another origin (work, family) but he/she pays the price.
Stop and let the other person explain
It’s not just about counting to ten between each spade and each reproach, also let the other person explain their version of the facts to you and answer your accusations.
This could prevent the tension from rising to a point of no return and allow the problem to be resolved without the need to raise the tone or bring other issues to the fore.
Our mind works faster than our tongue, and sometimes a simple conversation without raising your voice can turn shadows into light.
Revise your arguments
Many people start talking with a very clear idea of what needs to be said, especially if they are the ones who are starting the confrontation.
If we know our lesson so well, it may be worth revising our argument before speaking it aloud – thus ensuring that what we are suggesting is certain and not ‘a simple ploy to make our partner feel bad. If so, it’s probably best that we swallow our words.
Do it at the right time
To speak well about something that bothers us, we must also know when we can do it. The worst time is, of course, when the tension is about to explode or in the middle of a never-ending exchange of accusations, when emotions have us unpacking all the couple’s dirty laundry.
But neither would it be very appropriate to take advantage of a good romantic moment to bring out this little problem that arose a month ago and that, until now, we had not dared to approach…
Don’t ask what you yourself can’t give
The stability of a couple relationship must be created on a more or less symmetrical balance between the two members of the couple: before accusing the other person, it is probably better that we take the time to ask ourselves if we are in a position to demand something like that or if it is better, for the good of all, to let go of some little things that the other has also let go of for us.
No argument can be won: winning is also losing
What is the purpose of any dispute between couples? Exchange spades and reproaches until one of the two declares himself defeated and until, convinced and contrite, he asks his spouse for forgiveness and accepts that he has all the reason and nothing but the reason?
Or simply, make him understand that one of his behaviors has bothered us and that it would therefore be better for him to think twice before starting to act like this again? Remember that many people who have won arguments have, on the other hand, lost their partner.
Feelings are not discussed
The judicial system can sometimes have flaws, but the history of laws has given human beings a series of rational and useful tools for resolving conflicts.
That’s why it would probably be good to consider some of these tips and apply them to our life as a couple. For example, consider the facts and not speculate.
It is vital to remember that there may be disagreements about future or past plans, but judging or anticipating each other’s feelings or reactions can only lead us to draw the wrong conclusions.
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes
Appealing to your empathy with the other person is one of the most common tips in an argument, but it’s rarely practiced strictly.
This means that it would be good to try to see how we would feel ourselves if our partner reproached us for what we have just reproached him, if it is really justified on our part to make such accusations and if they really correspond to reality. Because, probably, the answer will be negative.